The Maan Ponders His Next Child’s Name

The Maan Ponders His Next Child’s Name

Read an article a while back in which a judge in New Zealand stripped the parental rights of two ‘parents’ that named their child something so ridiculuous that the magistrate overseeing the custody case felt obligated to take the child into court custody with the object of renaming the child before resuming the custody case. I am not sure I get it, New Zealand…haven’t you been tuning in to the Hollywood set and their penchant for crazy baby names? Get with the program, Judge Kiwi, naming your child Moxie Crimefighter (Penn from Penn and Teller), Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee), or Spec Wildhorse (John Mellancamp) is all the rage, why should Joe and Josephine Six Pack (that’s not their real name) miss out on all the fun?

Inspired by the Moxie of all the Hollywood elite and their crazy baby name competition, I’ve decided to start thinking now of what my next baby’s name should be…so here goes:

I think that fruit is always a postive baby name, it gives off the impression that the child is sweet and delicious. When they grow to adulthood, they are prime candidates to work the pole, but hey, I’m thinking about ME and MY artistic expression here….I think to toughen up the fruity connotation, you can match that name up with some kind of Superhero related complement, such as—

* BANANA KRYPTONITE
* GRAPES CYCLOPS (also helps if your child is born with only one eye)
* CANTALOUPE DARK KNIGHT
and in honor of the New Zealand Case, KIWI GANDALF

You can also go the route of names that have some kind of bizarre title using the two names together, my favorites here are—

* CLOSET MECHANIC
* LEGAL JANITOR
* WELDING PODIATRIST

You can also go with a name that is not really any kind of word at all, or some kind of strange foreign word that no one really understands…here I think I would go with:

* NEX SUPERNE
* ROYKENDE SLAGJOBB
* VICTORUS PLATUNIUM

Or maybe you are a sick sports fan and want your kids name to forever remind you of your beloved team (your kid may burn your entire team memorabilia collection by the time he’s 8, but hey, won’t it be cute!)Some cool sports names might be–

* FAVRE LOCKER SMELL
* OCHO CINCO GOLD FRONTS
* BONDS HYPERDERMIC
* THE TRUTH GARNETT ALLEN

It’s really very hard to narrow it down to just one of these many outstanding examples of name artistry. My kid will probably knife me in the back sometime through his or her mid thirties, but the attention I get when I introduce him and hear his name announced at the Little League Baseball game will be priceless….

THE MAAN SPEAKETH

Leave a Comment

23 - 22 =